It’s exactly a year that a renowned Nigerian pop singer, Imelda Ada Okwori popularly known as Imelda-J lost her Immediate younger sister, Tessy Okwori, who was also her manager.
Tessy, though a food scientist by profession was popularly known as a blogger, Imelda J’s best friend and manager. She was best described as the bridge that links her entire family and friends together. She died in Lagos hospital on May 29th, 2020 after a very brief illness. She was buried on the 2nd of June, 2020 in her home town at Ojigo Edumoga-Ehaje, Okpokwu Local Government Area, Benue State.
However, to remember her first anniversary in the life hereafter, Tessy’s immediate younger sister, Mariadora Ochanya Okwori who is an Author, has written a book in her memory which she titled “Because You’re An Angel”.
Mariadora is an award winning video director/cinematographer, singer and model. However, Tessy, her late immediate elder sister discovered the hidden talent of writing in Mariadora. Ever since then, she nurtured her writing talent and was also her manager/publicist until her sudden demise.
The book made revelations of Tessy’s childhood, school days, life time, and her journey to paradise.
“Because you’re an Angel is not just any book but the one that reminds us that the world is not our home thus, we should live right and stay prepared always. It is educating and very emotional.
In Mariadora’s statement, ‘this is my first step in the right direction in saying thank you to my beloved sister for all she did and still doing for me’. While writing this book, it gave me the opportunity to empty my heart and look at the whole scenario of life and death from a different perspective. I don’t ever want her name and legacy gone. It was very emotional for me but i had to do it for love. No one can tell my sister’s story better…”
Tessy was survived by her siblings Francis Okwori, Imelda Ada Okwori Mariadora Ochanya Okwori and her Parents, Mr and Mrs Emmanuel Okwori.
“Because you’re an Angel” an Ode to Theresa Omada Okwori by Mariadora Ochanya Okwori was officially released on June 1st. Read the book below:
Because you’re an angel…
Angel:
A spiritual being believed to act as an attendant, agent, or messenger of God, conventionally represented in human form with wings and a long robe.
An Ode to
Theresa-Angela Omada Okwori
Written by
Mariadora Ochanya Okwori
Because I trusted you.
1994
I do not know how you came into the picture but, I recall this human who was slightly bigger than me standing beside me in clothes identical to mine. Her eyes were big and bright, and she always had a serious look on her face.
You would reach your hand out to me, and I would take it every time.
You would lead, and I would follow… wherever you go.
Who are you? Why do I follow you around? Why do you share my bed, and why are our clothes similar?
My questions were never answered because I never asked them out loud. I just trusted you, and like a natural-born leader, you never led me astray.
So, I did not care about who you were or what your mission in my life was.
I just knew it was nice to meet you.
Tessy, I learned that was your name because Mama would yell it out loud, and you would answer.
I loved the name, and it became embedded in my memory. Tessy. Yelling out your name became a habit I could not shake. I called that name whenever I needed help. I called that name whenever I wanted to share my thoughts. I called that name when I wanted to play. I called you whenever I was afraid. I called that name whenever I needed no reason to… I just called to know you were there, existing in the same space with me.
I never understood the boundaries of your role as an elder sister. So, I relied on you for everything. I never needed the role of a father, mother, siblings and friends.
Because you were all that.
Late 2019, we were taking a stroll out of the house and you pointed at a plant with a bright smile on your face.
“Do you remember that leaf?” You asked me.
“No?”
“How come? I used to make tea with it when we were kids, and you liked it.”
“Tea? With this? I don’t remember doing that.”
Your face fell when I uttered those words.
“It hurts me when you say you do not remember most of my fond memories with you as a child, Ochi.”
“Maybe I do not remember because I was too small to know what we were doing.”
“But you followed me everywhere and enjoyed everything that I did.”
“That does not mean I knew what we were doing or why.”
“Why did you do them with me then?”
“Because you were doing them.”
“So if I dipped my hands in the fire, you would have done the same thing?”
“Probably.”
Why?”
“Because I trusted you.”
Because I needed you
I was a needy kid, but you never complained that I was.
You would bathe me, feed me, hold my hand on our way to school and back. I would cry when you scold me for being bad. I would feel special when you smiled at me and moved past whatever I had done to warrant you getting angry. You were there whenever I needed you.
And, I needed you a lot.
I was a frail kid who was sick every other day.
You would feed me medicine when I was running a fever, give me a warm bath, cuddle me as my teeth clatter from cold.
I remember a time that I was so sick with a runny stomach that I soiled myself publicly. I began crying when I noticed what had happened to me at church. Other kids laughed, pinched their noses, and pointed fingers at me.
But not you.
You held my hand, and we walked to the Reverend Father’s house. You took off my clothes, and you washed me from head to toe. No, you did not squeeze your nose because I smelled. You did not have a disgusted look on your face either. You just were worried and scared too. You were just about 10 years old.
I did not know you were a child just like me, so I relied on you for everything, and you rose to the occasion… as if it is all you were in this world to do.
A few years later, you were off to boarding school at St. Anne’s, Otukpo. I remember crying so hard, clinging to you and begging you not to leave me. I cried my eyes red from heartbreak. I was sick for a few days due to your absence. I became helpless, and life had no meaning for this eight-year-old who no longer had her guardian by her side.
Suddenly, I had to sleep alone on our bed. I had no hand to hold me and lead me out of the house each day.
I called your name when I wanted to play, I called your name when I was scared, I called your name when I needed help… but you were not there. Ah, you were truly gone, and I could not survive without you.
Slowly, I become nothing but an empty shell.
Our parents and siblings could see it too. They knew I needed you because without intending to, I made you my crutch and I could not walk without you.
That was why, when our principal suggested that I take a common entrance to secondary school at that tender age when I was still three years from graduating, Papa gave the nod of approval.
I was excited. Finally, I would get to be with you and wouldn’t have to experience the heart wreck of you resuming school and leaving me behind.
It is funny how I dreaded the thought of you ever leaving me behind. Remember towards the end of 2019 when we had a big fight about my books?
You told me you would stop correcting me, and our argument escalated to the point where you told me you would stop managing me or contributing to my career.
I cried my eyes raw.
I couldn’t eat.
And I remember telling you this the next day when we made up.
“You threatened to turn your back on me. You threatened to leave me to my fate just because of a little disagreement. How dare you?”
You did that because you knew it would get me in line because losing you was my greatest fear.
It had always been…
Maybe, because I needed you.
Because I could not survive without you.
So, I performed well at the common entrance. But my world was torn apart when your principal rejected me at the interview because I was too small to be admitted to a boarding school.
“She is still a child who needs constant care that this school cannot offer.” The principal said.
“But her older sister can take care of her. She is like a mother to her.” Papa reiterated.
“But her sister is also a student and it is not her job to take care of another student regardless of their relationship.”
I never knew a heartbreak greater than that when we were turned away, and I was not even allowed to see you.
A few days later, I received an offer of admission from a Federal School that was impressed with my performance on the exam. I was admitted as the youngest ever to be admitted, and I dared to live in a new place without you.
It was a struggle from the first day. I could not take care of myself. No one liked me because I was too reserved and did not know how to make friends. I was sick every day, and all my things went missing. I was teased for the allergies that caused rashes on my legs and was treated like a leper.
… I could not survive without you.
Everyone could see that, and that is why Papa made you transfer from your school to mine.
You stepped into that school, and I think that was the moment I knew my existence was in your care. It was as if you gave me wings. I was soaring with happiness. I got my crutches back. I could walk again.
People did not like me, but they loved you. They all wanted to be your friend. You had school mother’s, sisters, friends, and people who admired you at every turn. But something unique happened. I was no longer alone because I could hang with you when you were with your friends… so your friends became my friends by association. I moved hostels illegally and stayed with you.
I did not have to worry about anything anymore. You took care of me so well that it felt like home than school. Who cares if no one liked me enough to pick me as a school daughter or friend?
God knows I did not give a hoot because you were my mother, friend, teacher, and guardian. You were my everything.
Why would I need anyone else?
2005/ 2006:
You graduated and again, I was crippled.
Your friends graduated with you so, I had no friends. I tried to make some but, they never lasted nor were they solid. Come on, I was the weirdest kid. No one understood me so how could they be friends with me? “Eew” would be their reaction.
I became stubborn to protect myself from the bullying. I became indifferent to shield myself from the heartaches. But I was sinking because I had lost my wings. The school was unbearable.
I just wanted to leave.
I felt lifeless and worthless without you. I had lost my essence.
I wanted to be where you were.
I longed to be where you were, and I got the chance when our big sis invited me to join her for a performance, in Makurdi after my graduation. See you soon.
Because You were a bridge
I grew my wings back the moment I arrived at the park and saw you standing there with Imelda.
I was nervous seeing her with you because I relied on you for everything, so I never got the chance to explore what the role of our elder sister was in my life.
Imelda, another name I grew up hearing. I understood she was born before you. But, I never got to know her as I knew you. She went to school before I got the chance to learn her. I knew she cared and loved us dearly. She would go to fight with anyone who dared us. She would visit us in school and sing with us at any chance she got.
But I never really grabbed the idea of who she was to me emotionally.
To be honest, she was different from us. She had a smaller face, a lighter complexion, and her eyes or nose were smaller. She was… just different. So I never connected with her on a personal level.
To me, Imelda was a shining star. A star that I could not reach.
She was this girl who was pretty from birth, could sing her throat off, a social butterfly who was loved by all because of how she looked. A stark contrast to the dark gloomy cloud that I am.
This contrast created a wall between us because, in my mind, she represented every girl who called me ugly, big-nosed, dirty and just plain weird. She was the preferred child, and you can see how faces light up when she walks into a room. So, I felt she could not relate to my struggles, and I could not relate to her pretty privileges.
With this drywall between us, you became the bridge linking us. I guess there was a reason you were born as the middle child.
Slowly, I got to know her through you, and she knew me through you.
We both relied heavily on you, and you were there for both of us.
But what we did not realize was, we were depriving you of your own life and you were living for us.
Instead of having your dream, you lived to help Imelda realize hers, whilst you took care of me because I was not capable of doing so.
Each time we separated, terrible things happened to me. I was bullied and abused.
I was miserable. So I refused to leave after the performance.
Together, we became our own army.
Three in one.
We suffered together, fought together, dreamed together, and soared together.
No matter what happened, we were together because you were the cord binding us together, and you could not be broken.
People who knew us questioned how we would survive if one of us were to marry. We never addressed it because individually, we dreaded that possibility.
I mean, none of us wanted to spend our life with anyone else.
You embodied anyone I needed in this life. You were there for anything she needed.
We had our roles.
She was the star with whom we could all shine and the mother hen who covered us when we
needed an umbrella.
But, you; you were our manager, our driver, our mother, our guide, our protector, our sister, our soul mate.
I was the voice of reasoning.
Your dream was ours, and ours was yours.
We came, we saw, and we were conquering.
Together as one.
Because you were the bridge holding us steady.
Because we needed to grow
2018
Imelda was travelling a lot. She would be gone for weeks or months, in chase of a better life for us all. But I was not afraid… You were there. We learned to live as two, with the third clover of our soul thumping from a distance.
Life was not great, but it was bearable.
We developed other dreams, you pushed me to explore my talent of singing, writing, and modelling. But, most importantly, you showed me that it was OK to be myself. It was OK to be the square peg in a round hole.
It was ok to be the only one when sitting when everyone was standing. It was okay to be colourless in a sky full of rainbows.
You thought me that it was OK to be me.
You committed to nurturing my fragile wings that had just sprouted.
Your dreams for me scared me.
But the one thing I will never forget was when you looked at me and said “You need to leave this country. Ochi. You have no business here. Your personality does not fit this environment. Your talents will never be appreciated here. Your mentality is too distinct to thrive here. You need a place where your wings would be allowed to grow. You need to leave immediately.”
I was taken aback by your words. First, I was shocked, then, I was nervous and petrified.
“You want me to leave? On my own. How would I survive?”
“Do not worry. We will go together.” You assured me. “But we will start by getting the education we need, and I think the United Kingdom is the best to do that.”
I laughed at you because I had no proper qualifications to get into an international school. I never attended a higher institution other than a diploma that is not even accepted for a direct entry internationally.
“But you have your talents. They are good enough. You are good enough.” You said to me. “I believe they will want you once they see how good you are.”
“And who would pay the fees even if I am accepted by miracle?”
“I would work my hands off to pay.” You assured me and I was enamored by you.
Covid 19… seemed like a passing breeze as we began searching for schools and sending in applications. Within a week, I got replies from the schools demanding to read my book samples. I sent it to them, and within a month, I got offers from four prestigious schools in the UK. It seemed like a joke.
But I never wanted to leave these shores without you, so I began actively applying to schools for you.
Whilst we were waiting for their decisions for your Master’s degree, the world had shut down. What seemed like a passing breeze, was a storm that was not floating away.
I deferred my admission, and we continued sending applications and documents for your Masters.
Do not worry, this too shall pass away; We thought.
December 2019, this Christmas was gloomy because our dreams had tamed us and assured us that
we were failures because we were not where we dreamed we would be at this point in our lives.
We were working too hard and thinking too hard until we burned out.
Quiet, depressed, nocturnal.
We would wake up in the morning and lay in bed all day without saying a word because we couldn’t find the words to say.
Then came music, movies, and binge eating.
I guess God was forcing us to let go and live by grinding us to a halt.
Through these movies, we explored the world together. We fell in love with Asia. We wanted to live in Thailand, and we dreamed of seeing Cherry Blossoms in Japan in Spring. We laughed, cried, teased, and just had this urge to travel the world.
Our plans rekindled. You said Imelda needed to rebrand herself into the artist she wanted to be and not what the market wanted her to be. You wanted me to prepare myself to leave as soon as the pandemic was over.
It was time to grow.
Because you had to go home
2020
Our year began with fear of the unknown, and an urge to live now.
The world was scared, people were scared of losing their loved ones, and we were too.
“Immediately the lockdown is over, we can plan for your school. You need to go before me if my admission does not pull through, and I will meet you there when I get in.” You told me as we took an evening stroll within the estate.
My heart thumped as my nerves awoke, and I looked at you. “Yeah… if we all survive past this year.” I said as the news of deaths from Covid overwhelmed us all. “I do not want to experience the death of any loved one. If given the chance, I would rather die first.”
Our new year resolution was simple.
We pledged to live every day as if it was our last.
May 2020, you came to my room in the middle of the night and cuddled me because you had a terrible dream. Your body was so warm next to me, but by the early hours of the morning, you were freezing and shivering.
You could not breathe properly, and that scared me.
We went to the hospital, got meds, did Covid 19 test, and came home.
You were alright, and about two weeks later, we got the result and breathed a sigh of relief.
So, we were back to our routine of binge-watching movies and eating whilst praying for the pandemic to be over.
If anyone would have told me I had less than four weeks with you…
Nearing the last days of May, you came to my room and handed me a scissor. “Cut my hair.”
“Why?”
“I am tired of taking care of it.”
I cut your hair and pulled back to look at your face.
“Wow, it really suits you. You look so young. It is as if we are back to our secondary school days.”
You smiled at me and said you wanted to sleep. So you went back to your room.
I wrote into the night and had just laid down when you came in and said “Oyi, I am not breathing fine.”
“But you do not have Covid, and you do not have asthma. What is going on?”
“I don’t know but, it seems the air I breathe in is not sufficient for me.”
“Is it something you can manage until morning or should I wake the neighbour so he can take us to a hospital?”
“I think you should wake him.”
My heart was racing, and I could hear how fast it was beating as I told you to wear your clothes and woke the neighbour.
I grabbed my backpack, pushed anything I could find in, and we were on our way by 3am.
It was getting worse; you could not stand for long without feeling exhausted. They gave you oxygen, and you were fine… or so I thought.
By morning, they were running tests, and I recall one doctor saying “I hope it is not heart failure.”
“God forbid,” I said to myself on my way to the pharmacy to buy a nebulizer.
I quickly browsed the symptoms of heart failure and assured myself it was not because you did not have some of the symptoms mentioned.
A new Covid test was run, and we went for more tests.
“You can be discharged,” Doc said.
But what if she has another attack, they would have to rush back again in this pandemic” A female doc said. “I’d rather they spend the night, and we can watch them till tomorrow. If she is truly OK, then they can go.
“Ochi.” I heard you call me early hours of the morning. “Let’s go home.” You said as I handed you a bottle of water.
“The doc will soon be here. We can go when he clears us.”
“Ok.” You handed me your phone “Dial Imelda for me.”
I did, and you talked to her. She told you she would find a way to come to us, and she was taking off from ABJ. You told her to buy you fruits, and then you looked at me and said “Are we home?”
“Home?” I asked looking around in shock.
“Let’s go to the living room.” You said.
“What are you talking about, we are in the hospital.”
“Ok. Call Uber so we can go home. I want to go home.”
“But the doc would have to clear us before we can leave. Just be a little patient. He will be here soon.”
“Ok. I am thirsty. Can you get me water?” I grabbed the bottle of half-filled bottled water and handed it to you. “This is not enough; my throat is dry. Get me more.”
I rushed to the shop opposite the hospital and grabbed a carton. I returned, and it seemed you just got off the phone with Imelda, but you looked restless. Wanting to sit instead. I helped you up, and you said, “Change my blouse.”
I did.
“Tie the wrapper around my waist properly.”
I did.
“Trim my hands and toenails.”
I did.
I just kept going like a programmed machine.
I never stopped to ask myself what I was preparing you for. I was not thinking. I was not… thinking at all. I was too afraid to think.
You laid back, and because you seem agitated and looked about ready to go home, I gathered our things and turned back when you called my name and asked for water again.
I handed you the water and sat next to you.
But, you were restless like you no longer wanted to be there.
I pulled out my phone from my pack pocket and played you our favourite playlist of Roy Kim.
“What is that?” You asked.
“Roy Kim, of course.”
“Is that being played by the Uber driver?”
“Uber driver? What do you mean?”
“Are we not in a cab going home?”
You looked directly into my eyes and I could tell your breath was not stable so, I ran out.
“Nurse, she is not breathing properly.”
She grabbed the Oxygen tank, and I helped her pull it into the room.
We connected it, you removed it.
I put it into your nose, you removed it.
“What are you doing? You need this.” I gritted in frustration.
“NO. I am breathing fine; I do not need it. Let’s go home already. I want to go home.” You answered sternly whilst struggling to breathe. “Let’s go home.”
“Please take the Oxygen in the name of God. Please do it for me. Please. You know you need it.” I begged you whilst restraining your hands to stop you from pulling it out of your nose.
I saw you get off the bed immediately you saw the doctor. “Let’s go home.” You said again.
I tried to get you to sit back down because of the oxygen, but you sat on my mat on the floor
instead.
“You prefer here?” I asked.
You nodded.
I pushed my pillow underneath your head and sat beside you.
“Are you breathing better?”
“Yes.”
“Is the oxygen enough?”
“Yes. When are we going home?”
“Soon. I will talk to the doctor and see what he says.”
“And then we can go?”
“Yes.”
“OK.”
You calmed after that, and I placed the music beside you, singing along and rubbing your hair with my left hand whilst our right fingers clasped tightly.
You held on to me, and I held on to you.
I was afraid, but I couldn’t be. I had to be strong.
I began making calls. I called Papa, and big bro.
You did not want them to worry but they had to know that something was wrong.
Then my alarm rang. 11 am.
It was time to take your meds.
“Oyi, let me give you your meds.” You nodded, and I unclasped my fingers from yours.
I got the water in one hand, and the medicine was in my second hand. Your mouth was open, so I thought you wanted me to put the medicine in but when I did, your teeth clamped on my finger and I pulled it out by force.
“Did you just bite me?”
You did not answer. You seemed to be sleeping, but your breathing was loud… so loud… too loud.
“Is the oxygen not enough?”
You never answered.
I rushed out, and two doctors were there.
“Doctor, I tried to give my sister medicine, but she bites my finger. I am talking to her, and she is not responding, and her breathing is loud.”
They followed me in.
The female doctor called your name and rubbed your chest.
“She is unconscious.”
Those words of hers began the most turbulent and devastating moment of my life.
I watched helplessly as resuscitation began.
“Tessy!!! Tessy!!! Tessy!!!” I helplessly screamed your name.
I was scared, helpless, and in need of you to save me from the most frightening moment of my life… like you always did, but you were the one lying helplessly in my arms, and no saviour was in sight.
“Her veins collapsed.”
I heard another doctor whilst they tried to prevent the dreaded.
“Tessy,” I muttered as your body vibrated, and I just felt this sudden emptiness.
I looked at your chest.
It was still.
“Doctor, her chest is not moving anymore.” I announced in panic.
I watched as they checked… checked your pulse, checked your eyes, felt your breath.
And I couldn’t breathe as he looked at me…
He looked at me… and said.
“She is gone. I am sorry.”
The world froze.
I have watched this scene in movies countless times…
I even shed tears with them and my heart breaks whenever that news is delivered to their loved ones.
But here I was, in the same situation and my reaction was…
“Thank you… for trying your best.” I said to the doctors.
You always told me I was different from others, and I felt things differently from others. Your departure showed just how different I was.
It was like no one was in the room, and it was just me… and you.
I got up and, felt nothing for a few seconds but when I turned around and looked at you on that mat, my soul shattered in pieces.
I wanted to run from this world. From the reality, the truth.
I found myself screaming underneath the hospital bed without being able to control it. My screams never seemed to be enough because that was the moment I knew…
You had left me…
This is not like when you left school, this is not like when you graduated. This was not like when you travelled to Lagos without me. This was not like when I cried because you said you would no longer manage my career.
You had truly left…
You left me…
In the end.
It was the end.
You had gone home… Without me.
How dare you?
Because it was your last journey home
I sat out there as they wheeled your body past me towards the morgue, and… I felt nothing. It was as if… I died. And I was the one being wheeled away.
“Go and sign your sister’s death certificate after you talk to the mortician. Follow the mortician to the morgue and make the proper arrangements.” They told me.
“Is this a sick joke?”
No, it was not.
I saw myself walking towards the morgue, I saw you lying there on the stretcher faced up. I could not absorb it.
I was floating through reality.
“Write her name on this list.” The mortician said with a smile on his face.
I looked at the list, and it said Name of Deceased.
A pattern I was mortified by had begun.
They gave me your death certificate to sign, it said Relationship to deceased.
I swallowed the hurt and wrote Sister.
Cause of death: Cardiopulmonary failure.
“If you are leaving with the dead body immediately then call an ambulance but if you are leaving her here then pay for embalmment. You will pay double. You know your sister is not small.” He chuckled pointing at you.
I hated that.
“I will take her home.”
“To where?”
“Benue. Give me some time to mane arrangements. I am taking her home today.”
A few hours later, I was standing by the morgue again beside the ambulance.
“Identify the body before I put her in the body bag.” The mortician said again.
The body?
I hated that.
He was erasing your name.
I nodded and he placed you in the ambulance at the spot I intended to seat.
“Can you move her to the left?” I asked but he ignored me.
On our way home, I would glance at your body bag and get worried. I wondered if the leather bag was suffocating you.
I would worry if you felt any pain when the vehicle hit a bump.
I would adjust my backpack that was beside you because I did not want it to trip and fall on you.
We were attacked by armed robbers halfway through our journey home. They shot at the ambulance.
The glass shattered on your body.
Then I realized, you were laying on the same spot I insisted that I wanted to seat at.
If you were not laying there in my place, I wouldn’t have survived.
You saved me. Even in death, Tessy; you saved me.
Somehow, I felt you there, and I was strong enough to take you home.
You help me through the planning of the burial. I was stronger than I had ever been and everything was moving as if you were here taking care of it yourself.
There was a point I felt you inside me. As if you possessed me.
Soon, the dreaded day was here. We had to bury you.
I looked at the grave they dug, and I asked if you would be able to breathe in there….
I was genuinely worried, and I had this urge to tell them to make it wider.
But I reminded myself that it would be futile…
I held it together as we neared the end of this journey at your graveside as the Rev father blessed the grave.
From dust you were formed, to dust you shalt return.
I was fine until the moment they levelled you to the ground.
I knew I was screaming again.
I knew I was running and looking for you to hold onto.
But…
You were not there.
Because you are an Angel
I couldn’t go back home to Lagos. I was trying to preserve this illusion that I had.
I told myself you were at home in Lagos, and I only travelled home for an event.
Going back to an empty house would break the bubble of delusion that I had wrapped myself in.
So, I went to Abuja with Imelda. But, it was difficult to live.
I kept receiving your acceptance letters to universities in the UK for a masters degree in Digital Marketing. A course you only wanted to take to help me and Imelda’s careers.
You got into Robert Gordon, Scotland. Your dream Uni. You did it.
Writing to those schools to inform them of your demise broke me.
Telling your friends shattered me.
Coping without you was a nightmare.
Imelda and I had to be together without you, and that only magnified your absence because we did not know how to be together without you.
Not only had I just lost you, but I was also in a strange place, a place I never dreamt to be.
For months, our last moments haunted me, seeing you on that stretcher in a morgue haunted me, seeing you in a casket haunted me.
Every time you left when you visited my dreams reopened my wounds.
I hated everything. I hated breathing. I was back to that weird, weak, sick, kid I was in school.
I was Ill mentally, and physically.
I was struggling with self-worth, sense of belonging, and trying to find my essence of being here.
I was like a toddler who was learning to walk. And that was when I realized I was truly a toddler learning to walk.
You see, I was a child when I met you. And I never needed to grow. I did not need to find my direction. You took my hand and I followed in your footsteps. I did not discover who I was. I just needed to be where you were and I was alright because your personality covered up for my lack of it.
I loved your taste in food, the movies you loved, the music you loved, and only saw a future of us together.
And when you left, I had no future, I only had our past and… an empty present, and a misty future.
How will I survive?
It was a constant question that never gave me a break.
I tried to make friends but fell face flat.
I hated my face, my body, my life.
I hated me.
Suddenly, being colourless in a sky full of rainbows did not feel good.
And I wondered if I’d ever feel good again.
Tessy, today makes it 365 days on this earth without you.
Today, I turned a year old in real-time.
I am still learning to walk without you, I am learning myself, and I am nurturing my individual personality just like you would want me to.
You would be proud of me if you saw me today.
I am growing fast, setting my own goals and finding a way to go to the school you wanted me to go to, even though I still have no idea how I will fund it… but I believe I will find a way.
I am getting fit, prioritizing my mental health, and soon, I will try to make friends even though I am terrible at it.
Life is a tad bearable today. I am completing the series we never completed, and watching new ones that you would love in belief that you are watching with me.
Imelda and I have formed a two leave clover… A two leave clover forms the shape of a heart. We are a heart beating as two souls. Co-existing with our differences and bonding with your grace and love binding us.
This past year has been the most difficult journey. Your absence was felt every split second, and learned to reflect on our memories to console myself.
I do not know if I am fine, and I do not know if I will ever be completely fine without you. But I know Io am stronger than yesterday and I hope for a better tomorrow.
I dream to live big in your honor and I will only accept the love that I deserve. I will live each day because you always said “ I want to live life wholly because I do not want to have any regrets on my deathbed. I want to be able to nod my head and say, yes; I lived.”
So today, I pledge to live by your example because you always knew best.
A year without you has forced me to ask myself
“Who was Tessy? And, why was her life so mysterious?”
Well, I think you are an angel.
A messenger sent by God to guide us because we needed you.
You were born after Imelda to be her supporter. She needed you to find herself, and she needed
your support to achieve her dreams. You were her best friend, confidant, and soul mate. Everyone knew you would go to war for her. You were her angel.
You were born before me because God knows I would be a child who needed too much. You covered me with your wings, shielding me from the sun, rain, and storms. You stayed until you knew I would be able to bloom and survive on my own before you left.
“I want to go home.” You told me. “And you gave me the honour of preparing you for that journey home.
You boarded a cab and went home whilst listening to our favourite music.
Tessy, I hope your journey was smooth.
I know we made it difficult for you by how hard we mourned… but we could not help it. We love you… too much.
I am sorry if my tears made your heart heavy. It is because I am heartbroken. But I will try to cry less.
I will try to need you less.
Rather, I will learn to leave with your spirit guiding my path.
Today, I was able to fully listen to that playlist for the first time. It was as beautiful as when we listened to it every morning and evening.
Tessy, today marks 365 days since I screamed your name thrice in panic as you breathed your last in my arms.
I remember sitting outside fifteen minutes later as they wheeled your lifeless body past me and I asked myself… is this it?
Is this how it all ends?
I had this empty feeling…
Ah, this is it. She is gone. And I will never see her again.
Life is meaningless.
But I was wrong.
You did not leave, that was not the end.
Yes, your soul had departed your body, but your soul was alive somewhere in existence, and you have used these 365 days to prove to me that… you are an angel.
No, you used your lifetime to tell me you are an angel. I just did not get the message until now.
I should have known when the bishop gave you the name Angela during confirmation.
I hated the name because I thought it was not fancy.
Now, I know it was perfect.
Angela: Is a female given name. The origin of the name is Latin and its background is Christian. It is derived from the Greek word ángelos (ἄγγελος), meaning angel or “messenger of God”.
I have realized, this world was not your home, and you did not die.
You simply went back home because you had completed the assignment you were sent here for.
You couldn’t stay any longer because you had nothing more to do here.
You were only here for a while and because you are an angel.
And now that you are back home, you watch over us from above.
[Guardian angel]
NOUN
A spirit that is thought to watch over and protect a person or place.
Synonyms:
Defender · preserver · bodyguard · guardian · guard · champion · watchdog · ombudsman · knight in shining armour · patron · chaperone · escort · keeper · custodian · Tessy.
Name of Angel: Theresa Angela Omada Okwori.
Returned home: 11: 04 am. 29th May 2020.
Rating of service on earth: Excellence personified.
Flight high, Angela.
Until we meet to part no more.
We miss you, we love you.
